i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
