well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
