im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
