I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
