I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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