I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
