she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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