How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
