My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
