So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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