The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
