I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
