alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
