Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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