Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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