Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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