First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
