ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
