I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
