I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
