Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
