I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
