I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
