dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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