You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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