hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
