I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
