Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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