Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
did i walk over a car last night?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
