I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
