Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
