porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
