Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
