I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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