I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
