You just made me feel so damn special
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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