Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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