Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Acid is not a monday night drug
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
