I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
