my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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