Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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