I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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