I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Brb crying the tears of my youth
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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