True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
