Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Two words: nipple clamps
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