I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
