Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
