I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
