Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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