I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
